It's that time of year

Tomorrow is the first of December so to get into the Christmas spirit here is my favorite Christmas song sung by my favorite singer :-)

Powerful Stuff

It's amazing how God speaks to me. I can't fully explain it because I don't fully understand it myself but I know that he does speak to me in different ways, like through music or a devotion that pertains to something I am dealing with at the moment. When I realize what is going on a wave of emotion envelops me because I am amazed that the Creator of the Universe is speaking to little 'ole me! I know that people that do not know God or Jesus have no clue what I am talking about and probably think I'm nuts and that's okay. I have an awesome God and Savior and that's what matters!

You Must Believe

This evening I was going through an old box of things that I had collected since I was little and found this poem.

"You Must Believe"

When faith grows dim in the darkest night,
you must believe God makes things right.
When belief is strong and joy surrounds,
you must believe God’s goodness abounds.
When prayers go up to heaven above,
you must believe God responds with love.
When it may seem He doesn’t hear,
you must believe God's always near.
You must believe God has a plan
of which we’re a part but don’t understand.
You must believe your prayers are heard…
you must believe and accept God’s word.

Hello holidays!

As I sit here with a house full of children (school is out until Monday) I can't help but be amazed that the holidays are now upon us and we are getting ready to celebrate Thanksgiving. Luckily we have most of our Christmas shopping done so it won't be so bad. I can't stand the busy holiday shopping season. It brings out the worst in most people. (Who goes to a sale at midnight? I'll pay the couple extra cents/dollars, thank you.) We also have most of the tree up. We went with a traditional red, green, and gold theme which is turning out nicely so far. Now we're deciding whether we want a bow or a star on top. When it's finished I'll post a photo of it.

Speaking of the holidays. Here's a little video that I found from 2006 that may help get you in the Christmas spirit a little early. Samara was 7, Andrea was 6, and Myranda was only 3 when they did this :-)

To try or not to try?

Tom and I discussed recently whether or not we want to try again, considering the events that recently took place. We decided that we will go ahead when we are ready. So yes, we hope to have one more in the future. We aren't going to stress over things though. If it happens, great; if not, no worries. Besides, I truly believe that God is in control and if he wants us to have one more then we will, regardless if we are trying or not :-)

I love my husband

This morning he came home from work with these beautiful flowers:

I am so lucky to have a man who loves me as much as he does. Love like that is rare. He knows I am hurting right now and although he can't help me much he does try his best and for that I am so thankful.

Goodbye

It's official. The baby I would have had in early July is gone.

Goodbye, my angel. Mommy will see you in heaven someday.

Waiting

Why did they have to give me progesterone? I'm so ready for this nightmare to be over..... Instead I have to sit here and wait longer for the inevitable. If they hadn't jumped the gun maybe I would be getting through this sooner. Sadly, until things finally take their course, I am still sitting here with some small glimmer of hope that a miracle might happen and I don't lose this baby but the numbers don't lie. I actually did research to see if there has ever been a pregnancy survive dropping HCG levels and found one or two. In those cases the levels dropped but then rose back up and things were fine. Unfortunately that rarely happens. I just have a feeling that I will be an emotional wreck when I finally miscarry :-(

Sorry but I have to vent and my blog seems like my best way get this frustration out.

What I needed to hear

We sang this song today in church. It was just what I needed to hear. I almost fell apart in the middle of singing but held it together. How amazing God is to speak to us especially when we need him!



Joy Comes In the Morning

If you've knelt beside the rubble of an aching, broken heart,
When the things you gave your life to fell apart;
You're not the first to be acquainted with sorrow, grief or pain,
But the Master promised sunshine after the rain.

Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
Weeping only lasts for the night;
Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight.

To invest your seed of trust in God in mountains you can't move,
You have risked your life on things you cannot prove;
But to give the things you cannot keep for what you cannot lose,
Is the way to find the joy God has for you.

Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
Weeping only lasts for the night;
Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight.

Bill and Gloria Gaither

So much for good news :-(

For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.

~S Erling

I was going to have good news because I found out that I was expecting a week ago but today I found out that the baby will not make it. Now I'm just waiting for the inevitable. I feel like the joy was ripped out of the very core of me today.